Aging Process…
Greeting dear friends & fellow navigators, & welcome to my world this weekend. In my last article I remembered a time when I felt stuck in my life. It was not dramatic, there was not
some big catastrophe to send me spiralling ~ no; & it was much quieter than this. It was the routine ~ wake up, work, swim, & repeat. Nothing was wrong, per se…
These days, two years & eight months into retyrement, sometimes I lie face down on my bed & wonder what the purpose of my life is. What am I supposed to be doing? There must be so
many things happening out there, yet here I am, in the same house, in the same bed, feeling lost. It is as if my life is slowly stagnating, & I am watching it unfold right in front of me.
On such occasions, it makes me uncomfortable thinking I have nothing to look forward to. It frustrates me life is not as exciting or fulfilling as I imagined it would be. I keep feeling like I am not reaching my potential, & this sense of being stuck frustrates me more than anything else.
When I was in high school, everything was clear. The biggest thing in my life was exams. After school, the goal was about finding & getting the best good job. Throughout my life, I had this feeling there was always someone or something pointing me in the right direction, guiding me toward the next goal. But then everything changed & adulthood kicked in. Suddenly, no one was telling me what to do. At first, it felt like freedom, but it quickly turned into uncertainty.
Until luckily moving onto the next job, there was a feeling I was drifting aimlessly, thinking I was only one step away from fulfilling my potential. It is ironic, when we are young, all we want is freedom, & when we finally get it, & then we crave a structure we once resisted. Without someone guiding me, I was standing still. I did not know which direction to go, & suddenly, the world felt too big & my choices too many. Now, there is no map, no destination, & I find myself wondering; “What now?”
I have grown accustomed to the perception of seeing people living much better lives than I am, & it stings each time. Not because I do not want them to succeed, but because I feel like
I am falling behind. I do not have this next big thing to chase right now, & the emptiness it leaves behind is suffocating. It gnaws at me, this sense of missing out.
But maybe this is just life. I keep waiting for clarity, for some sign to tell me what I should do next. But what if this never comes? What scares me the most ~ not suggesting I do not know where I am going, but I am the one who has to figure it out? What if I never do?
The silence between the noises can be unsettling, but it is real. It is just another quiet day, in the same house. Maybe this is all there is for now. Maybe this is all there ever was to be.
Sometimes lately, I have felt as being down in the dumps, & I feel like my life has just stagnated. It is an unfamiliar place for me, to be honest. I have things going on in my life, but I
cannot see the big picture.
I know I do not have to have it all figured out so soon. But we all need something to hold on to, right? I do not want to lose my way at this point in my life. I am not ready… Then, as the
day disappears again, our wonderful Tasman MaKo team come from behind & beat Waikato in the 81st minute. Be still my heart, what a day… & what a week this one will be. I am definitely not ready for this thing they call the aging process.
Just few observations again dear friends, & provide an opinion in my world. Thank you for stopping by, I appreciate your being here. If my journey encourages you also, all is well with
my soul. Looking forward to being back next week; this is Kenn Butler in Paradise, Nelson with best wishes.
kenn@kennbutler.comkenn@kennbutler.com
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