I am Fine…

Greeting dear friends & fellow navigators, & welcome to my world today. Recently when asked how I am doing, I have recognized my response is most often: “I’m fine” & like the chap on the television advertisement ~ this is my go-to for everything.

 How you feeling today? Fine.

 Do you need help? I am fine.

The truth is a lot of those times, I am very much not fine. I could use help or a shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen. It is like every time I want to say, “I am not fine,” there is a voice in me grabbing the “not” right out of my throat. Keeping it together has always been my thing. You know the phrase “never let ’em see you sweat”? Or as my father once quoted me: “real men do not cry Kenneth”!

I try to cover them up or engage in activities to mask the pain, but they do not go away when I do this. Left unprocessed, my feelings tend to leak out in other ways. For example, I sometimes overreact in unrelated situations.

This article may appear to be very positive, & there is not going to be a last paragraph telling you how I managed to get over this feeling or “brighter days are up ahead.” However, I will try to be positive because the truth is I still did not get over it, & I am not sure I will get over it any time soon. This is me being honest.

Over the past few weeks, I have felt so bad & not mentally okay. No swimming for the past seven months & now cannot even get on my eByke the last three weeks. It is a heavy burden to wear a mask all time & pretend I am fine when I am not. I have been praying for things to turn around, but also thinking how long I am going to be in this storm. Being positive all time is not helping me get up; as I said earlier, this is may not be a positive article.

I cannot remember the last time I was genuinely happy; it has been months & often I even forget what being happy feels like. I do not know what people do when they feel numb & not excited anymore. Sometimes I feel ashamed of my feelings because nothing is wrong with my life. The problem is with me. It seems like nothing satisfies me anymore. Sometimes I worry what people around me would do if I were honest about this lack of attachment.

I do not want to hear “it will get better” because I once believed it would indeed get better eventually, but I am sick of waiting for those better days to come. I used to have a little voice I listen to out of all the voices, which kept me going. But now, this voice is slowly fading away. I cannot hear it any more or more like the voice is joining the other voices. When I look back to my old life I miss the younger man who was full of happiness & not worrying about anything.

I will leave the last paragraph for you with this. I once told a very close friend “I feel God enjoys seeing me struggle” & he said “maybe he is”. I was not expecting this answer from him! However, then he continue saying: “God wants to prepare you for bigger things about to come in your life.”

Just few observations again dear friends, & provide an opinion in my world. Thank you for stopping by, I appreciate your being here. If my journey encourages you also, all is well with my soul. Looking forward to next week; this is Kenn Butler in Paradise, Nelson with best wishes.

kenn@kennbutler.com