Uncertainty…

Greeting dear friends & fellow navigators, & welcome to my world today. Last week in opening I suggested: Repeat after me: It is not about me. Not always. Not this time. Maybe
not ever. Well, this week, it has been all about me, again, in a good way, I think…

Yesterday, uncertainty lingered at my doorstep. It was uninvited, but it was there. It stood in the corner of my room, watching as I pulled the blanket over myself. I do not ask it to leave. I
know better. It never does. It followed me through the day. It sat beside me as I scrolled through reels, whispering questions I could not answer. What happens next? What if things do
not work out? What if they do, but not in the way I imagined?

Uncertainty is not loud, but it is persistent. It is in the way my mind loops through the same things, trying to find a pattern making the unknown more bearable. It feeds on my need for
control, knowing, the more I resist, the tighter its grip becomes. I keep pretending I can outthink the unknown, & it keeps reminding me, over & over, regretfully I cannot. It can be
exhausting, if you let it…

Uncertainty makes decisions heavier than they should be. Even the smallest ones feel like cracks in a dam as if one slip of a stone might flood everything.

Uncertainty does not just affect me, it spills over into my relationships & makes me seem distant. How, when people ask me what is wrong, I shrug because how do you explain the
feeling of standing at the edge of something, unsure if you should jump or step back? How do you explain, sometimes, the fear of the unknown is worse than the unknown itself?

I continue trying to deal with it in many ways. Ignoring it, drowning it in distractions, trying to predict every outcome so I could be ready for anything. But uncertainty is patient. It waits for the silence of the night when my mind is too tired to fight back.

So, last night, I let it in & onto my bed. I feel its weight beside me as I turn off the lights, its presence curling into the spaces between my breaths. I do not fight it. I do not try to chase it
away. I let it lie next to me, as unwelcome as it is, because I have no other choice.

Tomorrow, the sun will rise, as it did this morning, & uncertainty will still be here. I will learn to live with it. Perhaps, I will learn to walk alongside it. But last night, I slept with it. Because really, what else can I do?

I have my relationship with uncertainty. Sometimes, it takes over me completely, & I feel suffocated in my own bed. So I thought of personifying this word, ‘Uncertainty’, like a ghost
continuing to haunt me. It does not haunt me physically, but whispers all my fears back to me, as if a reminder I cannot win.

Uncertainty usually goes to bed with me & disappears in the morning. But during the moments where I hesitate, its presence is felt again, as if it has been hiding in the shadows. Then, in the morning I awaken to a following link:

& just a reminder; all is well with my soul.

Just few observations again dear friends, & provide an opinion in my world. Thank you for stopping by, I appreciate your being here. If my journey encourages you also, all is well with
my soul. Looking forward to next week; this is Kenn Butler in Paradise, Nelson with best wishes.

kenn@kennbutler.com