Sometimes…
Greeting dear friends & fellow navigators, & welcome to my world today. Lately, I have started to notice patterns ~ moments I shut down instead of speaking up, times I pushed people away because it was easier than being honest, days I made things about me when they were not. It is not easy to admit this.
We are so used to seeing ourselves as the one who was hurt, the one who was misunderstood, & the one trying to do better while everyone else does not get it. I am not proud of it, however, I also do not want to run from it either.
There is a weird sort of freedom in saying, “Yes, I messed up.” This is accountability, growth & realising wanting to be better means taking responsibility for the times I was not. For the conversations I avoided, & the defensiveness masking insecurity. For the apologies I owed but never gave.
I think we all want to believe we are the good guy in our own story. But sometimes we are just… not. Sometimes we are stubborn, or scared, or selfish, & admitting this does not make us unworthy of love. It makes us real.
So yes, I continue trying to fix myself. Not because someone told me I was broken, but because I can finally see the cracks I kept ignoring. I am learning to listen without waiting to defend myself. To say sorry without wrapping it in excuses. To ask, “What can I do differently?” instead of trying to win the argument.
Regretfully, I am still not perfect now, I still mess up, & still catch myself reacting out of old wounds. But I am trying. I am staying when it gets uncomfortable, & sitting with the hard truths instead of sprinting away from them.
Because healing is not just about what happened to me. It is also about owning what I have done, who I have been ~ & choosing to do better with what I know now. This is where the real change starts. Right here. With me.
I used to think being “a good person” meant I could not possibly be the one in the wrong. If my intentions were pure, my actions could not hurt anyone. But intentions do not erase impact & this is one of the hardest lessons I have learnt: sometimes I meant well, & still, I hurt someone.
Sometimes I consider this pretty heavy. It forces you to sit with a version of yourself you probably do not want to see. Not the villain, not the monster ~ but the version who was careless. Who was emotionally unavailable? Who made someone else feel small, even if it was not on purpose? This version exists & ignoring them does not make them go away. It just stops you from healing them.
The truth is, I want my presence to bring peace, not pressure. However, this starts with unlearning the behaviours which made me feel in control but made others feel invisible. The pretending I was fine when I far from it, then blaming people for not reading my mind.
It is humbling. But it is also freeing. Because when you finally take ownership, you stop waiting for life to change around you. You start changing with it. You stop saying, “This is just how I am,” & start asking, “But is this who I want to be?”
I look & know this path is not easy. Growth never is. It is awkward & uncomfortable. Sometimes it feels like undoing years of memory just to say one honest sentence. But there is real power in doing the work.
There is power in being able to say:
“I could have handled a situation better.”
“I was reacting out of fear, not love.”
“I want to do better, not just be forgiven.”
If you are reading this & any of it feels familiar, I want to say something you might need to hear: You are not the only one. We have all been the problem at some point. What matters is what we do next.
So now, I am asking myself different questions. Not the ones to justify my actions, but the ones
challenging me to grow beyond them, & maybe they will help you too. This is not a neat or beautiful process. It is uncomfortable, it is raw, but it is real; & this makes it all worth it.
You do not need to have all the answers right now. Just the courage to ask the hard questions ~ & stay long enough to listen for the honest ones. Thank you for reading!
Just few observations again dear friends, & provide an opinion in my world. Thank you for stopping by, I appreciate your being here. If my journey encourages you also, all is well with my soul. Looking forward to next week; this is Kenn Butler in Paradise, Nelson with best wishes.
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