Mirrors…
Greeting dear friends & fellow navigators, & welcome to my world this week. I used to believe love was something you found, like a rare gem waiting in the heart of someone else. I really thought, once I met “the one,” everything confusing about myself would suddenly make sense. Regretfully it did not. It rarely does. Because love, I learned, is not a person. It is a mirror.
Every time I fell in love, it showed me who I was becoming. The first time I ever fell in love, I saw myself in the laughter of someone else. I was young, hopeful, too trusting, too loving. The second time, I saw all my fears reflected at me, the need to be enough, the quiet panic of being left behind, the fear of being forgotten when the conversations became slower. By the time I reached the kind of love not promised forever, I realized every “I love you” I had ever said was just me trying to understand myself.
It made me realise love has a strange way of holding up a mirror & saying, “This is you, right now.” Not the polished version you show or at least want to show the world, but the one who overthinks, the one who stays awake wondering if you are hard to love or are just not meant for love. The version who gives too much to the point they become empty, & then gives more, hoping it will finally be enough.
Sometimes, this reflection is brutal. You see your patterns. The way you apologize for things not your fault. The way you mistake attention for affection. You see the parts of yourself you tried to hide, & love says, “Look. This is you, too.”
The truth is love is not gentle all the time. It can be a teacher with tough lessons, the kind to humble you, strip you down, & force you to face your own reflection. This is what makes it such a worth it journey. It is not always about the fun or sweet messages. Sometimes, love is about holding yourself accountable for the way you love, & the way you let others love you.
I used to think & believe losing someone meant losing love, losing everything I gave, everything we had built. But now I know better. Love does not disappear when the person does. It stays, in how you treat yourself after the goodbye, in how you talk to others, in how you choose kindness & empathy even when you are hurting. Love lingers in the lessons. It becomes part of your emotional muscle memory, to save you when you go back to the deep hole of self-destruction.
There was a time I thought I was unlovable because someone could not stay. But love taught me patience, to wait for someone who would choose me not out of convenience, but out of conviction. It taught me to forgive, not because they deserved it, but because I did.
When I finally looked in the mirror, really looked behind the smudges & cracks, I saw someone who was not perfect, someone who just trying their best, but was still worthy. Someone capable of loving deeply & breaking open, again & again & again, without losing softness.
Maybe this is what love has been trying to show me all along: it was never about finding a person to complete me, but about finding courage to face myself, the beautiful, messy, crazy, hopeful, delusional, contradictory parts, & still say, “I love you.”
So no, love was not a person. It was a mirror, & in its reflection, I finally met the version of me who could & would stay.
Just few observations again dear friends & provide an opinion in my world. Thank you for stopping by, I appreciate your being here. If my journey encourages you also, all is well with my soul. Looking forward to next week; this is Kenn Butler in Paradise, Nelson with best wishes.
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