People Pleasing…
Greeting dear friends & fellow navigators, & welcome to my world this week. I did not wake up & realize one day I was a people-pleaser, it was not dramatic & clear, it came in a silent moment I nearly disregarded, as most unwanted truths do.
I was saying yes to things I did not want to do, again, smiling the way I always did, answering in the same tone people expected me to answer, & there was this little hitch inside me, a thought had slipped in, I could not eject it this time.
When was the last time I chose something for myself without worrying how it would be received? This was a lingering question. It was not just a matter of what I wanted, but determining how it will make people feel, what it would sound like, how it would be received, how it would be understood, & whether it would keep things amenable, easy & agreeable.
I said to myself, this was kindness. I reassured myself I was tolerant, adaptable, considerate, the type of person people feel at ease with, the type of person who does not cause trouble or complicate matters. However, there is a form of kindness to wipe you out as you continue to tend to it.
The thing was I was not choosing peace but approval, & labelling it peace so I would not need to ask questions about it. This realization did not feel empowering; it felt awkward, even embarrassing, since it made me consider how I frequently put my own ideas aside before anybody could even contradict it.
Eventually, I began to observe the patterns I never wondered about. How I was so quick to change my mind, based upon who I was speaking with. How I was so ready to say yes when something inside said no, & how I was not ready to say what I thought when there was even a slight possibility it would make someone feel uncomfortable.
People did not demand too much of me. It was indeed a position I rarely gave myself permission to take up space in the first place. Ultimately this is what made the difference to me.
Since I had always thought people-pleasing was about others, rather, it was being too nice, too accommodating, too available. But in the real sense, it had little to do with them, & everything to do with how uncomfortable I was with being misunderstood, disliked or simply not approved of.
Being what I considered was wise, I took the safer way. I decided to be pleasant, rather than truthful. I preferred to be light rather than authentic, & I preferred to be liked rather than known. Gradually I was a person who was there in the life of every other being, but in my own life there was something missing.
I did not all at once begin to say no to everything & to express myself in the most perfect way. Rather, I continue to sometimes fall into the same patterns & then opt to be comfortable rather than truthful.
Now I see it. Now I pause. Now I question am I being kind, or am I only seeking to evade pain? Since the two things are not the same, despite years of confusion on my part. The reality was possible, people like me feel much better when we always say yes, always adapt, always fit. Now however, I am beginning to question whether this version of me, was indeed in the first place me.
In case to be liked I must always edit myself, then what is it people are liking? More importantly, if I have spent so much of my life becoming who others are comfortable with, do I even know who I am when I stop trying to be me?
Just few observations again dear friends & provide an opinion in my world. Thank you for stopping by, I appreciate your being here. If my journey encourages you also, all is well with my soul. Looking forward to next week; this is Kenn Butler in Paradise, Nelson with best wishes.
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